Thursday, October 4, 2012

A Frustrating Day

NICU Day 9 (Tuesday, Oct 2):
It was actually a rough day of NICU commuting.  I was feeling stressed about splitting my time - they fed Claire a bottle of formula just moments before I was walking into the NICU to breastfeed - Addison wasn't getting my attention and I WAY OVER DID IT!  Because, well, that's what mom's do best.  I just kept feeling like every time I left the NICU things were happening not exactly the way I wanted them to.  It's not that the nurses aren't gifted or caring or any of that - it just isn't exactly how the mom wants it and it's hard to watch someone else care for your child.  

Plus, since I've been in bed since the end of August, I'm kind of tired of other people raising my children.  Everyone is well intentioned and we have so much love and support from our families and friends - but irregardless - it's hard for me to not just do it myself, my way, on my time.  I was feeling guilty about leaving Claire, guilty about not being home for long enough while Addison was awake, and just frustrated about not being a good mom.  When I had been back and forth twice to feed Claire and played with Addison in between and then sat and rocked Claire for 2 hours while Addison napped - I finally stumbled home at about 3 all prepared to spend the afternoon with Addison as soon as she woke up.  Unfortunately, my body said NOPE!  I was in horrible pain and exhausted - so I laid down on the couch while my mom and Addison did water color pictures at my kitchen counter.  I talked to Addison for awhile and finally fell asleep.  When Oliver got home from work I was still feeling miserable and so he did dinner with Addison and then they had a daddy/daughter date outside while I rested.  Balance is not my strong suit apparently - but putting my own health completely aside to try to do everything for my kids - yep, I have that mom quality down pat!  

Needless to say, when we put Addison down at 7 pm and it was time to head to the NICU I really didn't want to go...But what can I say?  I must be a masochist, it was bath night at the NICU and I couldn't miss that.  Plus, Oliver hadn't seen Claire all day and I like to spend time with him which is currently only happening while we're in the NICU - so off we went.

Here is a photo display of all the effort to give a bath at the NICU.

Unhook and re-hook all kinds of machines and wires to prep for the bath.  
Tape a rubber glove around the PIC line to protect it from the water.
After the bath she got weighed.  Look - she's gained back to her birth weight and then 6.9 ounces more!  She's not lacking in eating at all!
Then she has to be dressed (toga style) in an outift that her mom thinks is totally not fit for bed.  However, the nurses pick the clothes...because I also don't prefer pants with all the cords coming off her foot and out her leg.  Don't worry - first thing in the morning I'll be back and requesting a sleeper instead!  If the nurse wants to deal with the pants for her night shift - more power to her!
Swaddle her up and rock her til she's asleep for bed.  
The NICU nurses were again very nice to us and let Oliver's mom come in and visit with us and help bathe Claire with no regard for the "2 visitor at a time" rule.  The nurses really are what have made our stay much more bearable.

We headed home about 10 and when we got home I went in to use the bathroom - only to find that my incision was leaking in two different places.  After calling the night phone line for my doctor - it was decided that it wasn't bad enough to warrant a trip to the ER and that we would just wait and see what was happening after I called her secretary and made an appointment in the morning.  Really - running to my doctors and dealing with my incision bleeding were not what I considered necessary to add to my to do list.  Yeah - overdoing it and me - we're becoming great friends and enemies!


Kari said...

Oh Heidi, Congrats on the arrival of little Claire...I love the name! :) It was so fun to get caught up on your family! I just had my 4th baby so I don't get much time for checking understand....and I didn't even know you were pregnant!! So sorry for all the craziness you are going through, sending prayers your way!!

kirsten.brooke said...

Oh my word. And bless your heart. Reading this post made me feel tired, and I'm not even a fraction as busy as you!

My word, I hope each day gets easier, because you deserve it!

Desiree said...

I feel like those first few paragraphs were a replay of my time visiting the NICU. I never documented how I felt during that time or how hard it was, so I think it's really cool that you are documenting all of this and sharing it with people. Your dedication as a mother is inspiring! I wish I lived closer to you so that I could help you on a daily basis. But, I am just in Sandy. So I would LOVE it if I could come out and clean your house for you, or run some errands (wash your car, return books to the library, pick up dry cleaning...) for you one of these weekends so that you can get some rest/quality time with your family. You have my e-mail-and I check that OFTEN, so please email me if I can come help in any way. And hang in there!! You are amazing and strong and I think Heavenly Father knew that you could rock this trial and use it to inspire others (which is exactly what you are doing) so that's why he gave it to you! Hopefully it will all be over soon...

Tiana Smith said...

Oh my goodness! I haven't been to your blog in a while and didn't even know you had your baby! I'm sorry there were so many complications :( I'll keep you in my prayers - I hope it all gets better!